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Holiday
Lake 50k 2007 Race Report Jeff
Minahan (Hang
in there with this, folks. It’s
“different,” but I think you’ll enjoy it.
Plant your tongue firmly in your cheek as you read it, because mine
was sure there when I wrote it!) THE
SCENE:
A crowded amphitheater at the 4-H Educational Center, shortly after
the completion of the 2007 Holiday Lake 50k++ Ultramarathon.
The bleachers are crowded with over 150 media representatives from
across the country. Several
international running and ultra-marathon magazines are represented, along
with the major networks. The
post-race press conference is in progress. MODERATOR:
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, our next runner will be some old
goat, uh…excuse me, that is, Jeff Minahan of Lynchburg, Virginia. (Minahan
climbs to stage and struts/waddles/limps awkwardly but boldly to the table
at the center of the stage, wearing a Nike marathon hat, sideways, mirror
shades, a pack of raspberry GU dangling from his mouth.
He slouches into his chair and stares out blandly at the assembled
reporters) MINAHAN: Yo,
before we start, I want y’all to be sure to buy a copy of my new book, “Ultras
are wack (but you can love them
too!)” If T.O. can
write children’s books, I can write an ultra book. MODERATOR:
Mr. Minahan, how was your race? MINAHAN: Dude,
where are we?
I’m so tired, I can’t spit a foot.
Who on God’s green earth thought up this thing?
Dude oughta be committed, or thrown in that cold water over there. MODERATOR:
Uh, Mr. Minahan, that would be Dr. Horton, one of the nation’s
top ultra-runners, distinguished professor, and respected ultra race
series organizer. He’s
standing over there by the end of the stage. (points
to Horton) MINAHAN:
Oh, sorry man. (smiles, waves at Horton) Nice
race you got here, bro’. MODERATOR:
You are looking rather
worn. MINAHAN: Dude,
I was 21 years old when this race started this morning.
My 80-year old grandmother was at the finish line, and she looked
at me and said, “Dude…you okay? You
look like hell!” MODERATOR:
Questions for Mr. Minahan? NEW
YORK TIMES:
Mr. Minahan, according to the races results, you are in the Grand
Master age group. You say you
were 21 when the race started. How
do you reconcile that with what these results show? MODERATOR:
Dude, chill, okay? I’m
50, alright? I just feel
about three times that right now. You come out here and run this thing. You’d look like 20 miles….no, wait, excuse me….34
miles, that’s 50 kilometers PLUS-PLUS (looking
at Horton) of bad road too, journalist man. ESPN: Mr.
Minahan, did the chilly conditions affect your race? MINAHAN: Yea,
it was pretty cold out there this morning. ENTIRE
MEDIA CONTINGENT
(shouting):
“HOW
COLD WAS IT!!!?????” MINAHAN: (smiling) Dudes, it was so cold, the AFLAC duck was wearing
bun-warmers! (drumroll…crowd
laughter) It
was so cold, if the Statue of Liberty was in the harbor over there,
she’d be holding the flame under her armpits! It
was so cold, the penguins climbed out of their caves this morning, took
one look at us standing at the starting line, howled like cows and went
back into their caves. Dude,
it was COLD. WASHINGTON
POST:
Yes, but according to several Holiday Lake veterans, the weather
overall was better than last year. MINAHAN: Noah’s
40-day rainstorm would have been better weather than last year. CNN
NEWS:
Mr. Minahan, the young lady who won the women’s division, she
beat you by quite a bit. Does
that bother you at all? MINAHAN: Dude,
are you for real? Typical
media question. Did you see
that time? She brought my lunch! Heck, she mailed
it to everyone today.
But it’s not a guy-girl thing, you see? Yea,
we race, but it’s not even about “winning.” These
people all know that. So
don’t even start that gender
stuff out here, or age stuff. Doesn’t matter dude. Ponytails
or aging baldies like me, all these people are tough. And that
cybotron who won it? 3:50
for 50-kilometers?! Are you
kidding me? Dude just isn’t
right. MEET
THE PRESS:
Mr. Minahan, how were the aid stations? MINAHAN: Dude,
we’re talkin’ the Morton’s Steakhouse of aid stations. Four-star. Cadillac
Escalade. Deee-lux.
It looked like Joe’s Country Kitchen for Runners out there.
Saw a big ‘ol fight break out over the M & M’s at one stop.
Conquest was flowin’,
you know? It was an ultra-partee!
Yea, Doc Horton knows how to put an aid station together.
He feels us. And the workers? Real
people, you know? No
nonsense. Whatever you need,
anything they could do for you. Those
are my peeps, man. Good folk. RUNNER’s
WORLD:
Did you eat a lot during the run and was it a big factor in your
race? MINAHAN: Dude,
I stuffed so much food and Conquest down my throat, it felt like
Thanksgiving at the heavy farm. But
about the time you get to mile 25 or so, the thought of eating anything is
enough to make your head twist around like that little chick dude in the
Exorcist movie. I grabbed a
cookie at the second-to-last aid station, pocketed it like the “smart”
runner I am, pulled it out with about 5 to go, looked at it and just said
“Naaahhhh…..” Threw it into the woods….squirrel dudes can have it, man. AL-JAZEERAH:
Mr. Minahan, there were several water crossings today.
With the temperatures so low, I would imagine they were pretty
challenging. MINAHAN: Yea,
they were pretty cold. ENTIRE
MEDIA CONTINGENT:
(shouting)
HOW
COLD WERE THEY!!!!????? MINAHAN: (smiling
again) They were SO cold, I saw a river trout selling gill-warmers
for half price! (drumroll) They
were SO cold, I saw the Army Corps of Engineers taking bribe money to
build bridges. They
were SOOOO cold……ahhhhhhh, never mind. ENTERTAINMENT
TONIGHT:
Mr. Minahan, there are rumors circulating of rampant drug use and
sordid, scandalous love affairs among ultra-marathoners.
Would you care to comment? MINAHAN:
There you go, dude, makin’ stuff up, sellin’ air time.
Yea, if you call those two Ibuprofin I popped at the turn that just
happened to maybe save the race for me drugs, then yea, I’m into drug
use. Love affairs?
Dude, I love these people. Any
one of ‘em can join my posse. These are real people who understand what
living is all about. So go find a scandal someplace else. Why don’t you go see what Michael Jackson is up to and stop
bothering us athletes. ESPN
THE MAGAZINE:
Sir, there are reports that you took a wrong turn and almost
wandered up a road all by yourself. We
have accounts from other runners that they called out to you and prevented
you from wandering away. MINAHAN: Huh?
Me? Naaahhhhh…..well….okay,
okay!! I was tired, okay?
(chuckling) Dude, Doc Horton strung miles of that real, bright orange
tape anyplace you could take a wrong turn. Can’t miss it, right?
Man, I just walked right over that strip. I was in Disneyland
bro’. I crack myself up
sometimes. Like my mom says,
it’s hell gettin’ old. SPORTS
ILLUSTRATED:
Mr. Minahan, would you try and describe the relief an ultra-runner
feels when they finish with this race or any ultra?
Can that be done? MINAHAN: Oh
wow. That might be no sale,
know what I mean? That dog
won’t hunt. Let’s
see….(ponders for a few moments, picking hardened particles of GU out of his
ear)…You know when you need a restroom?
When you really, really, really
have to go, like forever?
Then you finally make it to the rest room?
You know that relief? Well,
multiply that by about 532….does that help you see the picture? But
it’s kinda weird….you can identify stages of relief, different types
of relief, during the race, and they seem to climb in intensity as the
race goes on, each one better than the previous one, peaking at the
finish, then slowly easing as the rest of the day runs out. ·
There’s
the relief of getting started, glad to just be running and putting the
nerves behind you. ·
There’s
the relief of making it to the turn at the halfway point.
A long wait for a “relief,” but it’s a good one. ·
There’s
the relief of hitting those landmarks on the 2nd loop (the
orchard, the Highway Department garages, the water crossings), getting
steadily closer. ·
There’s
the relief of that hot soup at aid station #5….oh dude, wow. ·
There’s
the relief of reaching the big hill before the last aid station, because
you know you’re finally getting close, for real.
You can’t believe you’d be relieved to see a hill as big and
long as that sucker is, but you are.
(by the way…whoever that flying zephyr was who BLEW by me at
about 7:00 pace going UP that monster….you GO dude….aawwesome!) ·
The
relief of finally reaching the single track around the lake coming home. ·
The
relief of seeing those red and green canoes stacked on the trailer across
the inlet, knowing you’re minutes away. ·
The
relief of leaving the dirt and grass and reaching the asphalt at the top
of the hill coming in. ·
The
big Kahuna...the relief of the finish line and shaking Doc Horton’s
hand……oh dude….oh man. This is the peak, this is where it’s at its
best….can’t be described. We
all try, but we can’t. ·
The
relief when you sit, even for a few seconds, and your legs just….empty,
you know? ·
The
relief of the hot shower, or just changing out of your sweaty clothes for
warm, dry ones. ·
The
relief of getting off your feet, into a warm car (am I right?) ·
The
relief of that long, hot shower at home. ·
And
finally, finally….the relief of literally collapsing onto your bed and
that unbelievable, let-it-all-go sigh………dude. MODERATOR:
One final question. THE
MADISON HEIGHTS SHOPPER;
Uh, excuse me? What
event is this? Is this the
Daytona 500? Where’s
the race? I was told I could interview Dale Earnhardt here.
Can anyone help me? ENTIRE
MEDIA CONTINGENT:
Duuuuuude!! Okay….a
few “genuine” notes. Huge
thanks to Doc Horton. The man
just knows how to put one of these things on.
All the props that come his way, well deserved.
Aid station workers…you people are freakin’
awesome. Just the right
touch….all business, lots of support.
Very nicely done. Huge,
huge, huge props to two of my runners here at Heritage High School, Josh
Knight and Jake Haskins. They
join Heather House, another one of ours who ran last year.
They are three of what we know is a very small number of high
school kids in the country to have the stones to even attempt one of
these. Can’t begin to tell
you guys how proud I am of you, and impressed.
John, you keep your chin up and come back and try again. Congrats
to all. It was fun freezing
and dying (and really LIVING) a little with y’all.
We are a crazy lot, aren’t we?
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